the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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