My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
