you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
