and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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