Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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