the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
