I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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