and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
