I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
