Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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