Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
