My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
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