omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
