My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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