i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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