I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
