the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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