My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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