If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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