I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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