moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
cat food counts as protein by the way
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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