All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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