She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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