he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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