I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize