are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
