And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
