Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
nutella sex= disaster
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
