the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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