I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
