Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
