someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
pray to the hookup gods
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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