I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
