Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
