When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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