well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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