words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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