Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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