Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize