so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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