Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
