Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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