I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
