Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
