Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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