But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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