): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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