i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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