just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
