the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
