Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
