the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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