Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
