Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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