The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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