he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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