I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
