proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
