You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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