why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize