Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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