I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
